{"id":393,"date":"2024-04-26T13:04:38","date_gmt":"2024-04-26T21:04:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/?p=393"},"modified":"2024-04-26T13:04:38","modified_gmt":"2024-04-26T21:04:38","slug":"how-i-could-just-kill-a-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/?p=393","title":{"rendered":"How I Could Just Kill a Man"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This essay was solicited in 2016 by an editor about drugs and violence. This made him uncomfortable and this is the way I wrote it and he gave it back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-4-3 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-container is-disabled embed-youtube\" data-embed-id=\"oembed_2a51adaf812923ad7f3c63f45c309b48\" data-embed-provider=\"youtube\" style=\"aspect-ratio: 640\/480;\">\t\t\t\t\t\t<button type=\"button\" class=\"embed-privacy-enable screen-reader-text\">Display &quot;Cypress Hill \u2013 How I Could Just Kill a Man (Official HD Video)&quot; from YouTube<\/button>\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-overlay\">\t\t\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-inner\">\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-logo\" style=\"background-image: url(https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/plugins\/embed-privacy\/assets\/images\/embed-youtube.png?ver=1.12.4);\"><\/div>\t\t<p>\t\tClick here to display content from YouTube.\t\t\t\t\t<br>\t\t\t\t\tLearn more in <a href=\"https:\/\/policies.google.com\/privacy?hl=en\" target=\"_blank\">YouTube\u2019s privacy policy<\/a>.\t\t<\/p>\t\t<p class=\"embed-privacy-input-wrapper\">\t\t\t<input id=\"embed-privacy-store-youtube-2a51adaf812923ad7f3c63f45c309b48\" type=\"checkbox\" value=\"1\" class=\"embed-privacy-input\" data-embed-provider=\"youtube\">\t\t\t<label for=\"embed-privacy-store-youtube-2a51adaf812923ad7f3c63f45c309b48\" class=\"embed-privacy-label\" data-embed-provider=\"youtube\">\t\t\t\tAlways display content from YouTube\t\t\t<\/label>\t\t<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-footer\"><span class=\"embed-privacy-url\"><a href=\"https:\/\/youtu.be\/Yg-RIOATCbU?si=Qrw8MYAwUH1fxS7C\">Open &quot;Cypress Hill \u2013 How I Could Just Kill a Man (Official HD Video)&quot; directly<\/a><\/span><\/div>\t\t\t<\/div>\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"embed-privacy-content\">\t\t\t\t<script>var _oembed_2a51adaf812923ad7f3c63f45c309b48 = '{\\\"embed\\\":\\\"<iframe hcb-fetch-image-from=&quot;https:\\\\\/\\\\\/youtu.be\\\\\/Yg-RIOATCbU?si=Qrw8MYAwUH1fxS7C&quot; title=&quot;Cypress Hill - How I Could Just Kill a Man (Official HD Video)&quot; width=&quot;640&quot; height=&quot;480&quot; src=&quot;https:\\\\\/\\\\\/www.youtube-nocookie.com\\\\\/embed\\\\\/Yg-RIOATCbU?feature=oembed&quot; frameborder=&quot;0&quot; allow=&quot;accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share&quot; referrerpolicy=&quot;strict-origin-when-cross-origin&quot; allowfullscreen><\\\\\/iframe>\\\"}';<\/script>\t\t\t<\/div>\t\t<\/div>\t\t\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I love speed. Fine Mexican pharmaceutical prescribed by a crooked doctor and chased with black coffee. It was so good. No meth skin picking or crackpipe lip burns. No bad burning plastic smell. Just a smooth shiny capsule and graciously intensely supported zoomies.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I have a theory about my years of drug use..\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of us go in for the sugar tit. We want to put that shame or crazy under a cozy blanket of sedation. I heard this from Jerry Stahl years ago and it stayed with me. It makes the same kind of sense that the idea of an oversized slightly weighted hoodie makes sense to me.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Others of us turn it all the way up. Feed crazy speedy things and you\u2019re mean and skinny. Find the right one and you can do it all while you\u2019re paranoid and shaking but damn you look good. This makes sense to me the same way it makes sense to smoke a cigarette while chugging a Monster and going to work the days when I\u2019m so exhausted I want to drop dead.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">During my speed years I hung around with party Queers who liked to do fun drugs, dance and fuck. My people. We loved to each do our substances of choice, flip a coin about which club we were going to hit or open the local weekly to see what DJs were spinning and off we\u2019d go. Except when there was a party.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At one of those parties my favorite party queer led me into a tiny bathroom and put two fat lines of coke in the counter and told me it was time to get glamorous. One line for me to start to see how I liked it then I went ahead and had the second because I had two nostrils so why not? And my DARE officer wasn\u2019t there to tell me to just say no.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Cocaine, that White Bitch tickled me then lit my fucking fuse. Tina grabbed me by the short n curlies and said, bitch let\u2019s go.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"512\" src=\"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-1024x512.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-394\" style=\"width:840px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-1024x512.png 1024w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-300x150.png 300w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-768x384.png 768w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-1536x768.png 1536w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-1000x500.png 1000w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD-1600x800.png 1600w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/HOWICOULD.png 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Everyone who has ever liked to party has known this guy. He\u2019s greasy. He\u2019s creepy. He\u2019s never hot and often has a penchant for young girls. He\u2019s tolerated because he always has good drugs. The right kind of older girl will warn you about him, the right kind of party boy will be the ones standing between you and his dirty gaze. That guy.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That night, that guy decided I was the lucky girl he\u2019d offer free party favors to in exchange for a piece of my sweet young ass. Or at least a handjob in his shitty Jetta. He cornered me in the kitchen of some house I never found or went to again and used his size and manhood to try to intimidate me into going along to ride him. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I stayed at the sink pretending to look out the window while he approached. I remember his hands on my hips and the hint of his half hard dick against my ass.\u00a0I knew when I saw his reflection coming it was going to be some bullshit. Cocaine told me, Tina said, and I quote, \u201clet me take care of this.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My pussy twitched not because of his dick because I saw a dirty knife in the sink and I knew without a doubt that I was about to stab that mother fucker in the gut. I knew he was too tall and the angle not right for me to get a good shot under his ribcage, even in my platforms I was too little to jam the blade under his chin, it had to be his gut. I was calm, Tina was calm, he was about to see his innards.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The rage rolled around inside me as hot as fuck lust and it felt good. I was ready for it, ready for him and prepared to find out.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That rage was so fine and so perfectly the real me I dream about it sometimes now and smile.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I am a breath away from committing an act of violence my voice gets clear and cold. I speak softly.\u00a0I warned him. I told him I was going to fucking gut him if he didn\u2019t leave me the fuck alone. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My queers were fetched while I was herding that guy into a corner and somewhere in my brain I understood the truth of my apex predator nature. That was the first time I understood the difference between the kind of aggression I\u2019d experienced at the hands of other people, that what I felt was not the same thing I felt when I got bullied or when men frightened me. I was so clear and cold in that moment I saw the actuality of how I am as a person.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I turned on this man and using the knife prodded him towards the oppositte corner where he wouldn\u2019t be able to get away from me. I positioned myself so when he fell, I could move so he wouldn\u2019t fall on me, I was ready. I threatened to vivisect him and steal his car while standing close enough that he could keep looking down my shirt at my tits. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He was rescued by my queers. My very large muscle queen date was recruited, he swooped in and grabbed me. He held me under his arm\u00a0like some coked out toddler, bicycling my legs and trying like hell to get away. I was carried out one way and that guy was escorted out the other.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was put on the couch, made to smoke some weed, sip some booze. The best post near murder moment came when somebody\u2019s gorgeous Puerto Rican\u00a0boyfriend from Brooklyn so he told me, draped himself across my lap, put his cheek on my boob and said, \u201care you from Brooklyn baby? I love you.\u201d I told him I loved him too and we kissed, then I was kissed by several others and petted and told what a good job I\u2019d done.\u00a0If you want to call me a good girl, the moments after I\u2019ve been about to commit an act of violence is a great time.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I have always been thoughtful about my drug intake, I sat myself down to figure out what happened. Was it an after school special level oh shit you\u2019ve fucked up your whole life with two lines of blow, type situation? \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Was it that I was grumpy to begin with because we\u2019d missed our window to go to Arby\u2019s beforehand?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Had I just had some coked out freak out?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What cocaine does to me is strip away my civility programming. Cocaine releases the Shannon inside who is 6\u20197\u2033 of muscle and rage. Coke punches my apex predator button and if anyone oversteps, I just want to tear them limb from limb. With booger sugar, I am Deebo. I am Brock Lesner. I am that mother fucker.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As an experiment a few months later, I tried again. Just to test my hypothesis about how the girl affected me. I had a good day, I felt really pretty, I was really excited to head out dancing and then after hours and then a promised breakfast feast at 6 AM. I was ready.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My hopes were dashed. After a civilized quiet warning about not touching me to some other dude, my murder button was pushed. I threw punches, I may or may not have broken some of the bones in the top of his foot because I was wearing boots and stomped on the tops of his feet. I made a lot of noise and went for shock and mother fucking awe. I didn\u2019t win, I didn\u2019t come out unscathed, but I bet homie thought twice before trying something like that again.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I looked this guy dead in his eye and told him if I ever saw him again or if he tried to touch me, I there would be fucking murders on sight.\u00a0He believed me. \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Outside of the problem of me not being the hulking man-beast I imagine myself to be there is one other issue. I loved it. I felt like the whole wonderful complete me. I felt confident and unhinged in a way that borders orgasmic.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was just too good.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019ve not done cocaine since then. It has been on offer many times and I always decline with a polite smile and little shake of my head. Inwardly I quote Cyprus Hill, Here is something you can\u2019t understand-\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u00a0How I could just kill a man-\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And answer it with a certain surety.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">With a pile of cocaine and a dirty kitchen knife and a smile on my pretty ass face.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-large is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"473\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-473x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-395\" style=\"width:543px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-473x1024.jpg 473w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-138x300.jpg 138w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-768x1664.jpg 768w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-709x1536.jpg 709w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-945x2048.jpg 945w, https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/04\/howi-scaled.jpg 1182w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 473px) 100vw, 473px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This essay was solicited in 2016 by an editor about drugs and violence. This made him uncomfortable and this is the way I wrote it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[30,31,35],"class_list":["post-393","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-non-fiction","tag-cnf","tag-creative-non-fiction","tag-essay"],"featured_image_urls":{"full":"","thumbnail":"","medium":"","medium_large":"","large":"","1536x1536":"","2048x2048":"","gbox-medium":"","gbox-large":"","gbox-vertical":"","gbox-horizontal":"","gbox-hlarge":"","slider-bg":"","card-grid":"","card-list":""},"author_info":{"display_name":"Shanz","author_link":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/?author=1"},"category_info":"<a href=\"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/?cat=12\" rel=\"category\">Non Fiction<\/a>","tag_info":"Non Fiction","comment_count":"0","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=393"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":396,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393\/revisions\/396"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=393"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=393"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shannonbarber.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=393"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}